I had to ask for help, didn't I?

So, SVA sent me some stuff and I am sending my stuff in return. I already paid my dorm and enrollment fee, sent my immunization records, sending my mom's W-2 for more aid and applied for a dorm. It sounds like I'm already set. However, a few days ago, I needed help with the whole W-2, financial aid thing. So, I called my aunt about it and helped me.

Note: I asked her for help and nothing else.

When she looked at the packet SVA sent me, she looked at how much it cost and then had her say.

She told me that I had to be realistic, that I don't think before I do something and that the chances of me going there are VERY slim.

Where have I heard that before?

I asked her for help, not her god damn opinion. If I wanted to hear it, I would've said so. I hate how she assumed I didn't know how fucking expensive the school is. I hate how she assumed that I didn't know what a damn loan was.

That's why I asked for her help in the first place! They sent me a paper saying that my application for financial aid was under review and I needed to submit my mom's W-2 and a dependent verification worksheet. They keep changing my award amount and this time, it was only 13,000. Which isn't very much. I'm hoping that when they receive proof at how god damn broke my mom is, they'll give me additional aid.

I'd make a joke about needing additional pylons, but I'm really not in the mood.

Where did my two grants from last time go? They better be on the next award letter.

Because if it isn't, I don't think I'll be able to go to college. No way in hell the banks are going to lend my mom more money than she makes in a year. For only one year of my schooling.

My damn aunt HAD to put the negative thoughts in my head. I didn't even consider not being able to go until she said she believed it was close to impossible. I nearly cried.

No.

I did cry.

People wagged their fucking finger at me and said, "You should've had a back up."

Has no one been paying attention!?

SVA was my back up! In case people have forgotten me closing myself away from the world for three days upon knowing that I wasn't going to be able to go. SVA is my only chance.

That's when I realized that anyone can dream big, but only those with money are able to pursue their dreams while the rest are living unhappy lives because of something they can't control. I applied for scholarships.

Didn't get any. Not one.

My only hope lies in them realizing how much I need this money, how shitty my mother's financial situation is and give as much as they can.

It's hard to stay optimistic though. Not after last time. My dad started giving me this bullshit that if you visualize it, you can achieve it. You just have to believe.

It didn't work last time, that's why it hurt all the more when I found out I couldn't go to Hawaii. No one seems to remember that but me now.  I really believed I could go too.
That's when I remembered why I couldn't go in the first place: the loan my mom tried to appeal for didn't go through. So what makes me think that the Direst PLUS loan will go through?

This is the second time it's happened. Reality slapped me in the face again.

Who was I kidding? Did I really think I was going to go anywhere? Sure, I have a few days to see if they actually give me more aid, but that's the only thing I'm relying on. It's my last chance, after this, I have nothing to go on.

This is why, I wish people encouraged me more. No one believes in me, even my dad, who seemed optimistic is thinking that I can't do it. How do I know?

"Well, at least there are two years left until 2012.."

Shut up.

If my aunt had never told me I couldn't do it, then sure, I'd be in the same situation, but with a brighter outlook. With anticipation. Her discouraging me and scolding me for having my head in the clouds had just made me realize that if I don't get into SVA, I don't have anything left.

"Go to a California school next year!"

Schools are getting gradually shittier, especially in California. The twins are in SF State to major in art. What happened? They're getting their Bachelor's in general education because they are shutting down the art program (so I've heard). Fewer and fewer kids are getting in and the art program is currently only reserved for seniors. California has the worst situation of universities that I'm aware of, god forbid I'll be staying here.
It's not even a matter of money for me, I mean, it is, but I want to go where I want to go because of the school itself. Because of its good reputation, the percentage of people who got jobs in their majors, the courses, et cetera. That is what I look for in a school. Schools here are just harder to get into and are cutting all courses that I found interesting.

So what am I going to do if it doesn't happen? You guys know me well enough, I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I always have a plan B.

Always.

My dad and brother were trying to tell me to think positive and it will happen. That my aunt is living is the "wrong reality". Whose reality should I believe in. Hers or theirs? Their reality has failed me with the whole "think positive" shit. I'm tired of giving myself false hope. That's all it is.

Still, I really hope that it goes well. I really hope it does, but the more I hope, the more I know that it will be all the more painful if it doesn't happen.



I've lost the will to really believe anymore. I'm tired, depressed and just a flicker of hope remains now. It's still enough to devastate me if it doesn't work out.

Just please, please work out for me. Just this once.

- Kunoichi

P.S: No, my depression was never cured. Therapy didn't do shit.

There's this nonsense going on around Xanga about rape fantasies. I say, let them be. Women like to be dominated (though some don't admit it) and most men like to dominate. If people like to be aggressive in their habits of role-playing, I say let them. Even if those habits involve poop.

I don't wanna know about that.

Anyway, since people are typing about fantasies, I thought I'd share my own. However, for those who know me well enough, you'll probably think, "What the hell can an Asexual fantasize about?"

Let me tell you.

I'm always wanted to go sky diving with another person and while we're free-falling we'll re-enact one of those floating-fight scenes from Dragon Ball Z. Possibly in costume.



I'm so dirty.

- Kunoichi