GAH!
I seriously hope this is official. My dad has urged me to go to Hawaii Tokai to study Japanese and then leave. Which is awesome, since that means I can actually go to Japan. Whee!
However, now that I feel secure with this decision, the doubters come in. My cousin Fernando probably thinks that I'm "stupid" for rejecting a university to go to what he calls a "city college". First of all, SVA is NOT a university, it's just an art school. That's ALL they teach....ART! And Hawaii Tokai is not a community college, in fact, I don't even know what it is. I think it's a trade school, but I'm not sure. Point is, I'm trying to learn a language, and it's a step into reaching my goal. Plus, I think I'll be able to handle Hawaiians better than up-tight New Yorkers.
I just hate it though. I don't know what I really want in life, and whenever I feel like I've made the right choice for myself, someone else is always telling me I'm making the wrong one, and that I'm going to become a loser in the end.
With so many people pointing at different directions, how the HELL am I supposed to know which way to choose!? GAH! Hell, even I know that my brother believes I'm lowering myself because when we got into this argument, he says he's going to make something of himself, unlike me because I'm just going to be one of those losers who go to city college.
Ouch.
I often get scolded at for being "unrealistic", and I have to admit, I do tend to think more on the 'improbable' than 'reality'. That is why I space out a lot.
I feel kind of..sad. I'm the oldest sibling, yet I can't do shit on my own, I don't know shit about me, I let people boss me around, and I wouldn't know what to do unless someone told me. It's guaranteed that my brother will be better than I am. He's already stronger than me, and admitting that to myself led me to a long period of depression. But admitting that your younger sibling will be better than you in every single way?
What's the point of living if you won't contribute anything USEFUL to society or yourself?
And yes folks, again, suicide is an option. I should probably mention that I suffer from bipolar disorder, and not a day goes by when I DON'T think about killing myself..
Even if I find a job in animation overseas, they'll only pay me 10,000 dollars a year. I actually considered moving after I'm done with school. To London or something. Europe treats their workers better >>
And again, I have mentioned, I am a dreamer. Because if I took time to admit to myself that everything I wanted to do was impossible, then what would be the point in living?
- Kunoichi
P.S: Thanks to all of you for posting such positive comments on my last post. No matter how corny the "follow your dreams" thing sounds, it's probably the only thing in life I'm willing to try.
Comments (7)
"What's the point of living if you won't contribute anything USEFUL to society or yourself?"
I wonder that every day.
@HoneyandSaliva - *sigh* Here here! D:
- Kunoichi
damn. this post hit TOO close to home. "I feel kind of..sad. I'm the oldest sibling, yet I can't do shit on my own, I don't know shit about me, I let people boss me around, and I wouldn't know what to do unless someone told me." seriously, i feel EXACTLY the same. i'm the oldest yet i don't feel like it. i'm 18 but i feel like a kid, and i see all these other 18-year-olds and they're like "adults" and i just feel so much younger. O___O it's to do with the way my parents brought me up, i guess, plus my character... which is also kinda down to the way they brought me up and the level (LACK) of independance that they let me have. :( sux!
anyways, goodluck with everything. :D you're so interesting, lol! <3
also. "And again, I have mentioned, I am a dreamer. Because if I took time to
admit to myself that everything I wanted to do was impossible, then
what would be the point in living?" i LOVE that line!
mmm, no harm in trying right? stay positive my friend :] you'll make it! i know it! maybe you can do what some of my friends do. they set up websites of their portfolio. then they find small companies online and offer to do the design for them. start small, and it usually takes awhile for them to earn any money at all. but it's a start :] if you have the passion, you'll make it fo sho!
RYC: haha, I wish I could travel like that too. no money though :/
no, sadly, I'm not. haha. i'm majoring in architecture. and i googled that college and i saw that it was an architecture, engineering-ish school, so i assumed that you were doing something along those lines :] though i do like graphic design and sketching :D
Ne, the reason you thought you haven't done anything yet is because opportunity hasn't presented herself yet.
Perhaps your brother is too focused on making something out of himself that he overlook the fact that you too are doing the same. In his focus, he stepped on you.
I know you're trying and that's not bad. I commend you for your efforts. And y'know what, there are things on which siblings are better like my sister is better than me in creativity like art and stuff. She's good. But I'm also better than her in composition writing.
My point is... It's not bad to be a dreamer as long as you don't lose sight of reality.
One step at a time.
I know Joe is going to make it big out there in the art world I can't be more happier for him. Everyone has different talents, just be happy with what you have.
You have the dream, just make sure u have the drive
very naiceeeeeeeee