I had to ask for help, didn't I?

So, SVA sent me some stuff and I am sending my stuff in return. I already paid my dorm and enrollment fee, sent my immunization records, sending my mom's W-2 for more aid and applied for a dorm. It sounds like I'm already set. However, a few days ago, I needed help with the whole W-2, financial aid thing. So, I called my aunt about it and helped me.

Note: I asked her for help and nothing else.

When she looked at the packet SVA sent me, she looked at how much it cost and then had her say.

She told me that I had to be realistic, that I don't think before I do something and that the chances of me going there are VERY slim.

Where have I heard that before?

I asked her for help, not her god damn opinion. If I wanted to hear it, I would've said so. I hate how she assumed I didn't know how fucking expensive the school is. I hate how she assumed that I didn't know what a damn loan was.

That's why I asked for her help in the first place! They sent me a paper saying that my application for financial aid was under review and I needed to submit my mom's W-2 and a dependent verification worksheet. They keep changing my award amount and this time, it was only 13,000. Which isn't very much. I'm hoping that when they receive proof at how god damn broke my mom is, they'll give me additional aid.

I'd make a joke about needing additional pylons, but I'm really not in the mood.

Where did my two grants from last time go? They better be on the next award letter.

Because if it isn't, I don't think I'll be able to go to college. No way in hell the banks are going to lend my mom more money than she makes in a year. For only one year of my schooling.

My damn aunt HAD to put the negative thoughts in my head. I didn't even consider not being able to go until she said she believed it was close to impossible. I nearly cried.

No.

I did cry.

People wagged their fucking finger at me and said, "You should've had a back up."

Has no one been paying attention!?

SVA was my back up! In case people have forgotten me closing myself away from the world for three days upon knowing that I wasn't going to be able to go. SVA is my only chance.

That's when I realized that anyone can dream big, but only those with money are able to pursue their dreams while the rest are living unhappy lives because of something they can't control. I applied for scholarships.

Didn't get any. Not one.

My only hope lies in them realizing how much I need this money, how shitty my mother's financial situation is and give as much as they can.

It's hard to stay optimistic though. Not after last time. My dad started giving me this bullshit that if you visualize it, you can achieve it. You just have to believe.

It didn't work last time, that's why it hurt all the more when I found out I couldn't go to Hawaii. No one seems to remember that but me now.  I really believed I could go too.
That's when I remembered why I couldn't go in the first place: the loan my mom tried to appeal for didn't go through. So what makes me think that the Direst PLUS loan will go through?

This is the second time it's happened. Reality slapped me in the face again.

Who was I kidding? Did I really think I was going to go anywhere? Sure, I have a few days to see if they actually give me more aid, but that's the only thing I'm relying on. It's my last chance, after this, I have nothing to go on.

This is why, I wish people encouraged me more. No one believes in me, even my dad, who seemed optimistic is thinking that I can't do it. How do I know?

"Well, at least there are two years left until 2012.."

Shut up.

If my aunt had never told me I couldn't do it, then sure, I'd be in the same situation, but with a brighter outlook. With anticipation. Her discouraging me and scolding me for having my head in the clouds had just made me realize that if I don't get into SVA, I don't have anything left.

"Go to a California school next year!"

Schools are getting gradually shittier, especially in California. The twins are in SF State to major in art. What happened? They're getting their Bachelor's in general education because they are shutting down the art program (so I've heard). Fewer and fewer kids are getting in and the art program is currently only reserved for seniors. California has the worst situation of universities that I'm aware of, god forbid I'll be staying here.
It's not even a matter of money for me, I mean, it is, but I want to go where I want to go because of the school itself. Because of its good reputation, the percentage of people who got jobs in their majors, the courses, et cetera. That is what I look for in a school. Schools here are just harder to get into and are cutting all courses that I found interesting.

So what am I going to do if it doesn't happen? You guys know me well enough, I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I always have a plan B.

Always.

My dad and brother were trying to tell me to think positive and it will happen. That my aunt is living is the "wrong reality". Whose reality should I believe in. Hers or theirs? Their reality has failed me with the whole "think positive" shit. I'm tired of giving myself false hope. That's all it is.

Still, I really hope that it goes well. I really hope it does, but the more I hope, the more I know that it will be all the more painful if it doesn't happen.



I've lost the will to really believe anymore. I'm tired, depressed and just a flicker of hope remains now. It's still enough to devastate me if it doesn't work out.

Just please, please work out for me. Just this once.

- Kunoichi

P.S: No, my depression was never cured. Therapy didn't do shit.

There's this nonsense going on around Xanga about rape fantasies. I say, let them be. Women like to be dominated (though some don't admit it) and most men like to dominate. If people like to be aggressive in their habits of role-playing, I say let them. Even if those habits involve poop.

I don't wanna know about that.

Anyway, since people are typing about fantasies, I thought I'd share my own. However, for those who know me well enough, you'll probably think, "What the hell can an Asexual fantasize about?"

Let me tell you.

I'm always wanted to go sky diving with another person and while we're free-falling we'll re-enact one of those floating-fight scenes from Dragon Ball Z. Possibly in costume.



I'm so dirty.

- Kunoichi

Why in the hell did I have to visit my old school today?

Every time, after Halloween, I give some of my candy away to my teachers. Mostly Caren, one of the sweetest teachers ever. She's a sucker for Snickers. So I figured since I'm a dead beat with nothing to do, I'll stop by, drop off some candy, go to LYRIC. I hate taking a walk down "memory lane". Consider me one of those people who likes to leave things behind and let them be.
I was upset and maybe I'm a little paranoid because everyone thought I was in Hawaii or Asia doing something amazing. If I had never come back, maybe they'd think I still was.
Once I passed by heart-made-of-Cement's room, I ran into the people I used to talk to. I'm not as much as a man-child as I used to be. You know, having reality slap you in the face helped calm me down.
I recall telling Dallman (an old bio teacher of mine) about my dreams. He seemed shocked to see me again, he (like many others) believed I was out of the country. He asked me, basically, what I was doing there. I simply told him that things didn't go well as planned.
I should've just never have come in the first place. I told everyone that I was doing nothing with my life right now, and I tried to get a job. Told Dallman that my parents told me to give it up, we had no money.
He asked me how old I was. I told him 19. He asked me when I was going to stop listening to my parents. I was feeling bad, it's not about me obeying my parents, but it's a financial problem. It makes no fucking sense though. I gave up a 10,000 dollar per year school because it was too expensive, for a school that costs 50,000 dollars a year in Manhattan, New York. At least SVA has financial aid.
Even if I'm over 18 and am "considered" (doesn't mean I am) an adult. Who is paying for my college tuition?

Well, technically I am. Because my parents are just going to pull a butt-load of loans.

Actually, it's me applying for them and asking them for information on their taxes once in a while. Also, I'll have to pay them off when I'm done with school.

But still.

Sometimes I feel like I've made the wrong decision. I hear good and bad things about SVA. Mostly bad. Also, it's so expensive, how the hell am I going to pay for that after I graduate? Will I even find a good job in doing what I majored in? Being realistic, probably not.

What if I spent all of the money I don't have for an education that won't even serve me well into the future?

I suppose it's more realistic to go out-of-state than out-of-country. What the fuck was I thinking?

Looking at how expensive New York is, I wonder maybe if I should've gone to a different school, like University of Advancing Technology. Then again, I've heard anyone could get in there.
Although, I've heard the same thing about SVA. That anyone can get in if they have somewhat okay grades and a portfolio that isn't crap and isn't filled with your made-up fantasy characters.

Maybe I'll always believe I've made the wrong choice. I guess I'll have to wait and see if the next four years of my life will be worth it. I do regret not applying for the Gramercy dorms. Sure, women drive me crazy, but some guys put me on edge. Mostly because you'll never know what they'll do. Like, puke on your carpet or something or bring their god damn girlfriends and have SEX IN YOUR DORMROOM. Maybe in sophomore year I'll shoot for it.

I'm rambling again. Anyway, I bumped into my "wife", Kevin. When he saw me he said, "You're here again."

Interesting choice of words. To me, it almost sounded like, " Why are you back?"

Maybe I'm just paranoid. Bumped into Reina on the way out. She cut her hair short. She was one of those who truly believed I was gone. I hate having to explain why I was back at SOTA. Every single damn time I did, I felt my throat get tighter. I don't know why it's such a sensitive subject for me. Maybe because for once, people expected something great out of me. Were happy for me, but in the end, it wouldn't work out. Perhaps I feel as though I have let them down? Not sure.

I was too optimistic. Too "dream" orientated and forgot reality. At least I got out of that weeaboo stage of mine.

What's so great about Japan anyway?

Reina hugged me, was in shock. I have no idea why I said "hi" to her. I could've let her pretend I was doing something great for myself. Let everyone believe it. I guess in the end though, I've always found it hard to lie.

She asked me if I was doing anything around Thanksgiving. Cassandra was coming back from college.

Good for her.

One thing I've never liked about Cassandra was that she dated someone who was below her league. She was a calm, beautiful, peace-loving and affectionate girl who ended up dating a tractor-driving, pot-smoking farm boy. No matter how beautiful I've found her, I've never felt anything but a platonic sort of love for her (even though we did kiss once). I don't know if I could face her. She honestly believed I was going to follow my "dream".

Maybe I still want her to believe that. Maybe I want her to be proud of me because I think she believed in me the most.

Maybe I just want everyone to be proud of me, even if I missed my chance. I don't think I'll visit again.

Said bye and whatnot and decided to head to LYRIC with the rest of my trick-or-treating candy. As if the day wasn't emotionally stressful enough, I had the bus ride from hell. A group of Latino kids kept FUCKING TAGGING. What the fuck is so "cool" about writing on the walls like a fucking two year old with a crayon?! People like those make my race look bad! I really wanted to yell, "Stop tagging!"

But of course, I did nothing. Those mindless, scribbling gorillas kept going on about their foolish business. If those stupid kids want to express themselves, why can't they do it in a way that CONTRIBUTES to something important. Draw a picture, write a poem, anything! Yet they choose to "express themselves" by writing all over public property.

Fucking morons need their god damned hands chopped off. The world has enough stupid delinquents, we don't need anymore.

LYRIC was fine, we talked about LGBT representation in mainstream music. Which there was none. Thus, that was the problem. Gave all of my Halloween candy away and watched the coordinators bounce off the walls. Fun to watch.

The bus ride back home left me in a sour mood as well. I was walking home and I happened to see a bus that was going that direction. So I figured, "Why not?"

As I waited for it, a bunch of black kids started calling me a "white boy" and making fun of me. I'll get into the subject of black people in another blog because I'm somewhat of a racist/ classist and it would take forever to explain my "choice of words".

God, I hate minorities who think that just because they're minorities, they can act like uneducated, ignorant and rude neanderthals. I don't get why today's youth find it so "hip" to be an ignorant MORON. Having atrocious spelling is "hip" nowadays. Also, speaking as though you lack the basic concept of grammar is "in".

"w3 B 1n da cLuB!!1! cha wnt 2 cme"
(We're in the club. Would you like to come?)

Ugh. It hurts me when I type like that. Seriously, I shudder in horror even THINKING about typing like that. Sure, my writing isn't perfect, but at the very least I am trying to write to the best of my ability.
Anyway, that bus ride was short, thankfully. Sure, I'm judgmental, everyone is. Whether they would like to admit it or not. However, if the majority of their spoken words are curse words, that means they can't think of any other words they could replace that word with. Limited vocabulary, limited intelligence. If I hear a person speaking like that, I would assume that they're less intelligent than I am and should they ever try to insult me in any way, that I shouldn't bother. Which is what I did. I ignored those kids and went upon my business. What right did they have to judge me?

Seeing today's youth is really pissing me off. Young people in general, piss me off. God forbid we pass on the world to THIS generation.

I need to talk with some old people soon, they manage to cheer me up. So much wisdom, so much unexpected humor.

I sound really down today because of the school visit. I don't like going backwards, it just doesn't feel right to be at all. I honestly don't even feel like blogging. I only do whenever the mood is right, I'm forcing myself to write an entry.

I have to vent somehow. Even if I'm not feeling it today.

That talk with Dallman almost made me want to cry, but then I remembered that I'm not a pussy and sucked it up like a man.

I wonder what it would it be like if human beings weren't able to repress their urges. I probably would've yelled the fuck out of those taggers and started a fight with the black kids making fun of me.

Exciting, no?

My mom's 42nd birthday is tomorrow. A small celebration is in order.

- Kunoichi

P.S: Jade misses me? Yeah right. Also, I doubt I'll go to Fanime again.